Facebook Status
by Rivverr Fourrest
Summary: Here are crazy different status's posted by the characters of Twilight! It was supposed to be a parody, let's see how it turn's out. You'll laugh, You'll scream, and you might actually kill your brother from the ridiculousness of Alec.
1. Chapter 1

**A/n: Okay, I wanted to do a parody of something. I decided on Twilight. I love the Twilight Saga. But I'm getting bored. Hope you enjoy it!**

**Edward Cullen **Is going insane.

Jane Volturi and 10 others like this.

**comments.**

**Alice Cullen **That's what you get for knocking Bella up, now isn't it?

**Aro Volturi ** I like cheese :)!

**Esme Cullen **Aro, are you on crack?

**Aro Volturi **No, I'm on ya mom.

**Alec Volturi **Burn!

**Alpha Jake **Yeah, someone _really_ old like you saying burn. . . . .

**Felix the Commander **Who forgot to put the dog out?

**Rosalie Hale **I was going to but Carlisle forbid it. He said it's un-lady like

**Alpha Jake **Your a lady? More like Godzilla if you ask me...

**Heidi Volturi **What did I miss?

**Violet Ivory **Your face.

**Caius Volturi **Who are you?

**Violet Ivory **The author.

**Caius Volturi **You look like a whore.

**Violet Ivory **Don't bring ya mom's face into this.

**Lily Whispers **Violet. Who are these people?

**Violet Ivory **They're my ideas. I took off my hat and they jumped out of my head and started running towards the computer.

**Giana May **Do you know how gay that sounds?

**Violet Ivory **Yeah, but my ideas are pretty much all gay.

**Jane Volturi **If you ever join the volturi you'd fit right in with Alec, he's gay too

**Alec Volturi ** I'm not gay, if you want to think anyone's gay look at Felix

**Bella Swan **Edward cullen! You married me now you my bitch! So suck it up.

**Edward Cullen **Okay, dear. . . .

**A/n: Okay, that's it. I couldnt come up with anything else. I hope you liked it. I will start working on this when I'm not working n The marauders Daughters or Universal Companion.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n: I'm back with more facebook status's! I am really trying to get as many up as I can in a day. I'm probably only going to get four up though :(. I might actually make a sequal to this. Hmmm, sounds like a good idea to me!**

**Disclaimer: If stephenie meyer wrote this, Edward would be gayer now wouldn't he?**

** DEMETRI THE DOMINATOR **I found something disturbign in Caius's room today. . . . .

Jane Volturi and Alec Volturi like this.

**comments.**

**Caius Volturi ** What exactly did you find?

**Reneta Volturi **A Tiger print thong, Playgirl magazines, a whip... Oh! and we found a vibrator, I really hope that was Athenadora's...

**Dora the Explorer Volturi **No I don't own one... Oh dear god Caius 0.o

**Felix the Commander **That's the same expression Marcus had when he picked it up to see what it was.

**Marcus Volturi **Than Aro came in and told me how to use it. I swear he's been of his rocker since Didyme died. Claimed he saw her ghost the other day and ran off to confess his sins.

**Sulpicia Volturi **Caius owns gay magazines? Playgirl is the exact opposite of Playboy. Oh dear god Caius, did you forget Athenodora's email address again. Because you E-mailed that very disturbing picture to me...

**Emmett Cullen **I am _so _going to blackmail you with this.

**Rosalie Hale **Emmett you are not going to blackmail the Volturi unless you want my boot up your ass.

**Carlisle Cullen ** oooooooooooh, Emmett got pwned!

**DEMETRI THE DOMINATOR **Why the hell do I have the Cullens as friends on my facebook?

**Violet Ivory **Because I'm the author of this parody and I told you to do it. And your punishment would be to spend the day with me.

**Alec Volturi ** I found something in Jane's room that was also disturbing. Now I know that her and Corin have a thing for each other. . .. . . . .

**DEMETRI THE DOMINATOR **What did you find?

**Alec Volturi **A sex tape...

**A/n: Okay I'm gonna stop there because my brother walked in and read what I wrote now he's looking at me weirdly like 'WHat the hell"? **

**If you could click those little blue letter and watch magic make them turn purple I will put you in a chapter! just leave;**

**the name you want as your faceboo thingy**

**and who you should be.**

**tata for now!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/n: The idea for this one came to me when my friend got hyper off of cheese :)!**

**Disclaimer: Whoever the fuck said stephenie meyer wrote on fanfiction?**

**Aro Volturi **Today I saw a flyling piggy, Didyme was riding on the back ofit it singing "Why is the rum gone"!

No one likes this

**comments**

**Marcus Volturi **I'm about ready to shove you in a box and send you to a mental instatution in Mexico.

**Emmett Cullen **Naw, I think you should just make Alice give him a makeover. He will never survive through that.

**Carlisle Cullen **Or you could let me stab him with a giant needle :) please?

**Alec Volturi **Or I could lock him in a closet and make Jane take his place.

**Sulpicia Volturi **Will someone tell Caius to stop sending me pictures of him using his...toys.

**LuvHeartStar Volturi ** OOOOOOOHHHHH! PICK ME! PICK ME!

**Sulpicia Volturi **ummmmmm, LuvHeartStar? could you do it? Oh, and be careful he might slap you.

**LuvHeartStar Volturi ** Okay!

**Jane Volturi **Why can't I just give him a bowlcut? It will never grow back, but on the other hand, he might like it...

**Chelsea Volturi **LuvHearyStar is reataching her arm, I guess Caius was getting sick of us making fun of him...

**LuvHeartStar Volturi **It's okay, Makes me realize how important my arm is.

**Alec Volturi **Crackhead.

**A/n: Okay :) I got it done. LuvHeartStar wasGallifreyenCultOfSkaro's character. I hoped you liek how i made you hyper. I was eating skittles :)**

**well anyhoo, i hope you liked it, and if anyone wants to read my profile you can.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n: I'm reakky suprised by how many people like this story. I hope you like this chapter**

**Disclaimer: I hate stephenie meyer and i dont own her gay characters, but of course i wish i did own alec. but things dont work like that.**

**Jane Volturi **I'm suprised by how gat Alec is. Everytime I say something offensive he always say ya mom.

**Alec Volturi, Felix Volturi and one other likes this**

**Alec Volturi **I say that because I dont care about how I act

**Dora the Explorer Volturi **Well I wouldn't know how he acts because I'm always locked in that damn tower.

**Felix the Commander **You know that you can break the locks on that hing right? and veryone say's I'm dumb.

**-Ivashkov **because you are dumb :)

**Felix the Commander **who are you?

**-Ivashkov **one hell of shapeshifter.

**Violet Ivory **whoever says 'who are you?' again will be shoved in a box a tortured by Jane.

**-Ivashkov ** I wonder if it's going to be Alec. She's always going on about how gay he is. :)

**Gizmo **meow

**Felix the Commander **Who the heck is Gizmo.

**-Ivashkov **Violet did you go and get Jane?

**Violet Ivory **yep. :)

**Felix the Commander **she tortured me!

**Violet Ivory ** good.

**A/n: okay, the person in this chapter was -Ivashkov :) i hoped you liekd your character :). I will get another chapter finished maybe n the nexy fifteen minutes or so. thank you to the reviewers!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/n: I love updating this story, im probably gonna stay up all night writing this :)**

**Disclaimer: Steohenie meyer has a penis and i dont. end of story**

**Okay, this is only gona be a couple of lines but i hope you like it.**

**Creatures of the night **Hello.

no one likes this

**comments**

**DEMETRI THE DOMINATOR **how the flying fuck did you find me?

**Creatures of the night ** I don't know, i guess i stumbled across this page somehow.

**DEMETRI THE DOMINATOR **Still, what. the. flying. fuck.

**A/n: well, i hoped you liked your character creatures of the night! i know it was only a couple of lines, but it was aawesome couple of lines :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/n: Here's another chapter :). I'm suprised I got to six chapters in a day, yet again, they are short chapters. But I''m glad I can make everyone laugh :).**

**Disclaimer: I'm funny, Stephenie Meyer tries to be.**

**Jane Volturi **For some weird reason, I skipped down the hallway while singing "kissin u" by Miranda Cosgrove.

**Alec Volturi, Felix Volturi and 4 other people like this.**

**comments**

**Alec volturi **Weirdo

**Heidi Volturi **What are you? on crack?

**Felix Volturi **No alec's on ya mom.

**Heidi Volturi **I was talking about Jane. She's never happy.

**Renesmee Cullen ** unless she was drunk like Marcus at the Christmas party.

**Alec Volturi **I remember that

**Marcus Volturi **who doesn't. Aro ran over Caius with his car.

**Rosalie Hale **plus jake was acting liek he was pms-ing

**Alpha Jake **at least i have a dick unlike Caius

**Caius Volturi **you weren't suposed to tell them!

**Dora the explorer Volturi **Jacob! you told them i have a dick?

**Jane Volturi **oh. my. god.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/n: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been way too lazy. If anyone else wants to be in a chapter just review :).**

**Jane Volturi **I heard this song called Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin. Than I thought of Alec and left him a pleasant suprise in his room.

**Felix The Commander **and **Sulpicia Voturi like this.**

**comments**

**Alec Volturi **And what a very nice suprise it was Jane, ttoo bad I ate him.

**Aro Volturi **You were supposed to change him, now we will have to locate his sister...

**Violet**__**Ivory **You did you want him to change?

**Aro Volturi **His name was Josh Ivory

**Violet Ivory **Oh no, now you have to trach me down...I'm scared.

**DEMETRI THE DOMINATOR **Don't be I'll make it quickand painless.

**Michele Ivory **You ate my son? How dare you!

**Alec Volturi **Just be lucky no one in the volturi like here, otherwise she would've been a vamp long ago.

**Violet Ivory **Yay, Thanks for the enthusiasum

**Alec Volturi **Your Welcome

**Josh Ivory **She was being sarcastic.

**Jane Volturi **I thought you were dead?

**Josh Ivory **I am, remeber. Your brother ate me.

**Violet Ivory **I hope it hurt to. Alec did you make it painful?

**Alec Volturi **No, I made it fast, I was quite thirsty.

**Lily whispers **Damn, I was hoping if you did he would be sorry for sitting on me.

**Giana May ** He sat on me too, and he was fat at the time.

**Alec Volturi ** Hey Violet, can I get ya number?

**Violet Ivory **Sure, i'll send it in a message.

**Marcus Volturi **Are we friends with all of the vampires?

**Caius Volturi **By the looks of it, yes...

**Jane Volturi **Shut up we are still not talking to you for pretending you were a boy.

**A/n: Okay, so there's my update. I hope you like it. Please Review.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/n: Hi! Okay here's another update. Please review.**

**Disclaimer: i DONT OWN ANYTHING COUSE I DONT HAVE A PENIS!**

**Caius Volturi **Why is no one talking to me?

**No one likes this**

**coments**

**SapphireOceans **Maybe its because they don't like you anymore.

**Alec Volturi **Naw it's because he pretended to be a boy and he was really a he-she

**Violet Ivory **seriously?

**Jane Volturi **Yeah, Saphire, who are you?

**SapphireOceans **A girl.

**Demetri Volturi **A human?

**SapphireOceans **Yeah.

**Jane Volturi **Demetri, you changed your name?

**Demetri Volturi **Yeah, people were compalining abou it.

**Aro Volturi **I dare someone to eat a banana (^^^) (**A/n: its supposed to be a shark.)**

**Marcus Volturi **No one wants to eat a banana aro.

**SapphireOceans **I will! I like banana's! I also like chese, can i ea cheese to?

**Aro Volturi **NO...

**SapphireOceans **Darn, I really wanted cheese.

**Alec Volturi **Aro is weird like that, only he thinks he's cool.

**Aro Volturi **Shut up Alec, your gay.

**Alec Volturi **So is Caius.

**Dora the explorer Volturi **Is every oens still mad at me?

**Aro Volturi **Yea

**Sulpicia Volturi **yep

**Marcus Volturi **what do you think?

**Alec Volturi **Yeah

**Chelsea Volturi **Yep

**Afton Volturi **yes

**Corin Volturi **Mhmmmmmmmmm

**Demetri Volturi **YEAAAAAAAAAAA BOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

**Felix Volturi **Yeah dude

**Heidi Volturi **Yes

**Jane Volturi **Yes

**Renata Volturi **Yep

**Santiago Volturi **YEP! sorry dude.

**A/n: Okay, there my update. I did all of the members of the Volturi. I got there names out of breaking dawn. hOPE YOU LIKED YOUR CHARACTER SAPHIRE OCEANS!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/n: Thank you for all the reviews, here's another chapter. In this chaper is Mz. Jacob Black. I hope you like your character.**

**Disclaimer: would she be writing something like this?**

**Renesmee Cullen **Jake is getting on my nerves, Plus he cheated on me with Leah.

**No one likes this**

**comments**

**Edward Cullen **Dislike :(

**Bella Swan **I agree, I will kill him.

**Alec Volturi **Haha, nobody likes you! lol.

**Emmett Cullen **Alec get off her profile.

He doesnt have too.

**Alpha Jake **Who are you?

**Zafrina Amazon **Get off of here jake, Nessie you didn't delete him as a friend?

**Renesmee Cullen** I was going to.

DO IT NOW

**Renesmee Cullen **Okay okay, i'll do it now.

**A/n: I hope you liked it! please review**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/n: The character in this chapter is alison () as plumsky :) i hope you like it!**

**disclaimer: Stephenie meyer can't write something this awesome.**

**Bella Swan **I love foamy the squirrel and shane dawson!

**Alpa Jake Likes this.**

**comments.**

**Alice Brandon **Was Edward being an ass again?

**Alpha Jake **Yay! you dont love edward!

**Bella Swan **god jake you still on that?

**plumsky **Acording to the books? yeah, but im still hoping that he's gonna turn gay.

**Jane Volturi **That means he would be perfect for Alec.

**Alec Volturi **Im not gay! you are!

**Jane Volturi **god alec what are you on?

**Alec Voluri **ya mom.

**Jane Volturi **We have the same mom that's gross.

**Plumksy **That is true, you are wins.

**Alec Volturi **Shut up, your ruining my moment.

**Plumsky **your ruining mine dumbass.

**A/n: okay i hope you liked it! please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/n: Here's another update, the person in this is ilovejacobblack123 I hope you like it! please review. **

**disclaimer: I dont like stephenie meyer, therefor i do not own twilight,**

**Esme Cullen **I wish emmett would stop putting peanut butter in his hair.

**Rosalie Hale, Alice Cullen and 4 others like this.**

**Comments**

**Carlisle Cullen **He is still doing that?

**Rosalie Hale **Yeah, but this time he put the peanut butter in before he used the curling iron

**Emmett Cullen **I like my hair curly,

**Alice Cullen ** your hair is already curly Emmett, curling iron or not.

**Emmett Cullen **But i like curling my hair.

**ilovejacobblack **why do you put peanut butter in your hair emmett?

**Emmett Cullen **It makes it smell like peanut butter.

**ilovejacobblack **I like mine smelling like coconut or strawberry.

**Violet Ivory **Me too.

**ilovejacobblack **Anyone must be crazy to put peanut butter in there hair.

**Emmett Cullen** I'm not crazy.

**ilovejacobblack** yes you are.

**A/n: sorry i had to end it right there, I'm running out of ideas. I hope you liked it! Please review.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/n: Hi! okay here's another update. the character in this chapter is not sorry a.k.a Angel Prince okayI hope you like it Please review!**

**Disclaimer: stephenie meyer is a dude, i am a girl.**

**Rosalie Hale **My theme song is i'm so pretty by wayside.

**Emmett Cullen Likes this.**

**comments.**

**Alice Cullen **you are so full of yourself rose.

**Emmett Cullen **No she's not, shes just prettier than you.

**Jasper Hale **Emmett you got taken down by me I wouldn't be talking.

**Emmett Cullen **That was once!

**Jasper Hale **yeah, but still...I can still hold that over you.

**Angel Prince **yeah!

**Emmett Cullen **No you cannot! Carlisle and Esme don't like blackmailing.

**Angel Prince **Carlisle and Esme aren't on facebook anymore.

**JAsper Hale **She has a point dude.

**Emmett Cullen **Im stronger than you!

**Jasper Hale **you wish.

**Angel Prince **Japser is smoother than you!

**Alice Cullen **She has a point.

**A/n: okay theres the update! I hope you like it! please review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/n: Okay! I'm running out of humor. Which I never thought possible, I hope that I can make you laugh. Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I down own twilight, twilight is gay and i am not, even though some of my ideas are.**

**Renesmee Cullen **Me and jake are back together! he said he like my shoes then we sarted making out.

**Alpha Jake likes this**

**comments**

**Edward Cullen **You kissed my daughter?

**Alpha Jake **Yeah.

**Edward Cullen **I'm going to kill you.

**Alpha Jake **How many Renesmee's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None because she's in the kitchen making me sammiches.

**Bella Swan **none because we have the power to make you do it for us.

**Edward Cullen **HA!

**Alice Cullen **Purple.

**Carlisle Cullen **Alice should've answered blue.

**Esme Cullen **I agree.

**Edward Cullen **Stay away from my daughter!

**Alpha Jake **Never!

**Edward Cullen **Jacob!

**Alpha Jake **Edward!

**Edward Cullen **Mut!

**Alpha Jake **109 year old virgin!

**Edward Cullen **Fido.

**Alice Cullen **Alice!

**Edward Cullen **_Alice._

**Alice Cullen **Sorry for fighting a virgins fight.

**Edward Cullen **Everyone stop it with the virgin thing, if I were a virgin how would have bell gotten pregnant.

**Alpha Jake **Me...

**Edward Cullen **_jacob..._

**Emmett Cullen **Peanut Butter!

**Rosalie Hale **EMMETT!

**Emmett Cullen **What?

**Esme Cullen **Don't act all innocent.

**Emmett Cullen **What did I do?

**Alice Cullen **You ate all the tootsie rolls!

**Emmett Cullen **I'm sorry...

**Alice Cullen **No your not sorry, I need my fix man!

**Carlisle Cullen **I thought a vampires fix was blood.

**Alice Cullen **Yeah? Well my fix is tootsie rolls and monsters!

**Edward Cullen **Jacob!

**alpha jake **edward!

**Edward Cullen ** Jacob!

**Alpha Jake **Edward!

**Esme Cullen **your mamma is a hippo.

**Edward Cullen **_Esme._

**Esme Cullen **sorry.

**A/n: I know you probably didn't shit brix like i inteded. But I hoped you liked it! Please review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/n: Here's another update. My mom just yelled at me and I responded with "I'm tired!" But she still yelled. Anyway, sorry I didn't update sooner.**

**Disclaimer: I hate stephenie meyer, I like j.k. rowling. to bad I'm not either of them.**

**Alec Volturi **God I hate being last.

**Jane Volturi likes this**

**comments.**

**Zafrina Amazon **What did you get picked last in?

**Jane Volturi **Dodgeball.

**Emmett McCarty **Who the hell gets picked in dodgeball?

**Marcus Volturi **Alec.

**Alec Volturi **LEAVE BRITTANY ALONE!

**Aro Volturi** What?

**Alec volturi **Leave ME alone.

**Caius Volturi **Oh, okay.

**Alec Volturi **Get off my facebook page caius.

**Caius Volturi **You didn't capitalize my name.

**Alec Volturi **Your name doesn't deserve to be capitalized.

**Marcus Volturi **Neither does yours.

**ALec Volturi **Shut up zombie.

**Emmett McCarty **PWNNED!

**Rosalie Hale **emmett you changed your name?

**Emmett McCarty **yeah we all did we wanted our last names back.

**Jessica Stanley **But you were adopted how could you know your last names?

**Esme Platt **The truth is is that we are all sparkly gay vampires, and we drive volvos.

**Jessica Stanley** Oh okay, why Did you say sparkly?

**Edward Anthony Masen **Because...we sparkle.

**Alec Volturi **Yeah when Bella found out he told her this, "Bella I'm a vampire...LOL jk! I'm a fairy!".

**Marcus Volturi **Your so gay Alec.

**Alec Volturi **Ya mom.

**A/n: sorry I ended it right there but i hope you liked it.**

**PLEASE READ! Okay, I'm accepting beta reader requests from people. Don't let my grammar on this fool you. I'm actually really good at beta reading. Just pm me if you need a beta-reader for your story!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/n: Yay! Another chapter! I hope you like it! Please review! And if you can check out my other stories like **_**Universal Companion**_** or **_**The Marauders Daughters**_** I would appreiciate it! The character in this chapter is wildflower12 as McKenzy Madison, I hope you like your character!**

**Disclaimer: You suck if you think I own twilight.**

**Alice Brandon **The highlight of my day was a frog.

**Emmett McCarty likes this.**

**comments**

**Jasper Whitlock **Was the frog from biology class?

**Edward Anthony Masen **Yeah, you remember when it wasn't actually dead and it jumped on my head?

**Bella Swan** Yeah, it was funny :)

**McKenzy Madison **Ours wasn't dead and we cut it open. It also peed on me :(

**Alec Volturi **It would've been funnier if it was a cat.

**McKenzy Madison **Your a crackhead did you know that?

**Alec Volturi **No ya mom is a crackhead.

**Aro Volturi **McKenzy, can I call you kitty?

**McKenzy Madison **Knock yourself out.

**Aro Volturi **Thank you

**McKenzy Madison **No, litteraly run into a wall and knock yourself out, Because your acting weird.

**Renesmee Cullen **I ate a popsicle today if anyone was wondering...

**Edward Anthony Masen **We don't care.

**Renesmee Cullen **DAD!

**Edward Anthony Masen **Sorry I just didn't give a fuck yesterday, or today. and I probably won't give a fuck tomorrow.

**Emmett McCarty **Nice choice of curse word eddie...

**Edward Anthony Masen **_Emmett._

**Emmett McCarty **Sorry soccer mom.

**Edward Anthony Masen** EMMETT!

**Emmett McCarty **What?

**Esme Platt **go to your corner.

**Emmett McCarty **for what?

**Alice Brandon **for eating all the tootsie rolls.

A/n: I didn't feel like bolding this. I hope you liked your character! Pleaase review. oh and by the way thankyou to everyone who reviewed because this story now has 51 reviews!


	16. Chapter 16

**A/n: Sorry I haven't updated lately I've been sleeping a lot lately, I have no idea why though. I think I have a summer cold. The character in this chapter is artsychick14 as geveda NINJA!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own gaylight.**

**Alec Volturi ** I need a girlfriend.

**Jane Volturi likes this.**

**comments**

**Jane Volturi **True that.

**Felix Volturi **I thought you got that number from Violet.

**Alec Volturi **I did butMarcus said that I liked broadway and scared her off.

**Geveda NINJA! **What did he say?

**Marcus Volturi **I said that he liked broadway and that his favorite was annie and she said don't make this weirder.

**Violet Ivory ** I'll come over again if MArcus isn't there, he scared the shit out of me by acting like the grim reaper.

**Geveda NINJA! **He would do something like that?

**Marcus Volturi **Yep.

**Esme Platt **Yo mamma a hippo.

**Edward Anthony Masen **Is that your new catch fraise?

**Esme Platt **no its my butterscotch.

**Alec Volturi **Crackhead.

**A/n: Sorry its short but I'm really tired. PLEASE REVIEW!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/n: Hello, I hate authors note too but you only have to read if you have a facebook, myspace, or want to be a member on my website.**

_**PLEASE READ MY PROFILE TO GET THE LINKS!**_


	18. Chapter 18

**A/n: Okay, I haven't updated in a while. It's because I've been sick. And I don't know what the doctor did but If he hadn't I probably would still be lying on my bed. Tomorrow I won't update because I'm going to my moms work picnic, so I hope to be able to get as many new chapters up as I can :D. I hope you like your character laballerina 1 :)**

**Emmett McCarty **Rose is being a bitch.

**Jessica_goes_rawr! likes this.**

**comments.**

**Alice Brandon **When is she not being one?

**Jessica goes rawr! **I'm guessing when she wants to be manhandled by emmett

**Emmett McCarty **I do not!

**Violet Ivory **Yeah you do just it admit it.

**Jessica goes rawr! **ADMIT IT NOW!

**Rosalie Hale ** dakmn you to all seven levels of hell and back.

**Jessica goes rawr! **Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, touchy. do you need a pamprin?

**Rosalie Hale **NO!

**Jessica goes rawr! **Are you sure?

**Alec Volturi **no.

**Emmett McCarty **Have you ever seen a girl naked Alec?

**Alec Volturi **You just made it easy for a 'yo momma' joke but i'll let it slide.

**Jessica goes rawr!** lol.

**A/n: Okay that's the update, I hope you like your character! and for the other two people who asked I did her first because she was the first one that i wrote down. Please review!**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/n: Okay the character in this chapter is anime cookie fairy as teh siklez ninja :) please enjoy!**

**Marcus Volturi **stay right here we can change our plight. storming through this despite whats right.

**JAne Volturi likes this.**

**comments **

**teh siklez ninja **Isnt that the screamo part of knives and pens by black veil brides?

**Caius **no, its a pickle.

**teh siklez ninja **oh okay.

**Jane Volturi **Ehat did we tell you about commenting on our pages?

**teh siklez ninja **That he's a she male?

**Jane Volturi **No... but close.

**teh siklez ninja **darn :(

**Seaweed Brain **Who are you people?

**Wisegirl **Isn't it obvious that there vampires?

**Death Breath **Yeah.

**Pinecone face **Shut it nico.

**Oracle of delphi **All of you shut it.

**teh siklez ninja **I agree.

**Tree hugger **me too.

**A/n: Who were those characters? haha percy annabeth nico thalia rachel and grover :). I hope you liked your character. Please review!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/n: Okay, so I got a comment saying the level of humor is dropping :(. And sadly, that is true. So I will try my best to become funny again. So that is why I'm drinking fruit punch. fruit punch always gives me funnyness and ideas, I have no idea why.**

**Disclaimer: Who **_**would **_**want to own twilight?**

**Demetri Volturi **Jane hung me upside down.

**Jane Volturi likes this**

**comments**

**Jane Volturi **How are you typing on a computer upside down?

**Demetri Volturi** I'm using my spiky hair.

**Alec Volturi **Is that even possible?

**Annabelcullensalvatore **Wow, he must have bought that impenitrable hairspray like i did!

**Carlisle Cullen **impenitrable hairspray?

**Alice Cullen **Your runing the ozone lair you bastards!

**Annabelcullensalvatore **I am not! That would kill everyone and then we would all go to hell. And yo momma a hippo :)

**Esme Cullen ** I agree.

**Alec Volturi **I'm going to kill all of you.

**Jane Volturi ** No you won't your threethousand years old and your still a virgin. Your innocent.

**Alec Volturi **I'm going to kick Corin's ass then.

**Jane Volturi **okay that you would do. Corin run!

**Corin Volturi **What?

**Emmett McCarty **She said run, jackass.

**Annabelcullensalvatore **Yay somethings interesting is going to happen!

**Jane Volturi **God why are all the people I know on crack?

**Emmett McCarty **Alec does it because he needs to get rid of the pain of being related to you.

**Annabelcullensalvatore **yay!

**Jane Volturi **Ugh.

**A/n: Yay! I got it done! Please review!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/n: Okay, I have stopped taking requests for people to be in chapters. It gets too hard to try to find how to fit them into the chapter. The last Character is going to be dark night princess 222 as smexxikitkats. **

**Disclaimer: twilight looks sounds and is **_**still **_**they gayest movie I ever watched.**

**Jane Volturi **Never give a mentally disturbed old person a knife...

**Alec Volturi likes this**

**comments**

**smexxikitkats **you killed another old person? damnit jane!

**Aro Volturi **I dare someone to eat cheese (^^^) :)

**Jane Volturi **No.

**Marcus Volturi **How the hell did he get back from mexico?

**Smexxikitkats **The force brought him back.

**Marcus Volturi **Great, now we're stuck with the crackhead...again.

**smexxikitkats** _We're_? I'm not in the volturi. that would make you guys stuck with him. I feel sorry for you.

**Alec Volturi **He's singing lifes what you make it by hannah montanna 0.o

**Random Cullen **I love hannah montanna!

**smexxikitkats **Oh my god. jane was right. everyone she knows is a crackhead.

**Alice Brandon **i know jane and im not a...oh a squirrel.

**Jasper Hale **Lay off the pills alice.

**Random Cullen **No!

**A/n: well that was a shitty update. Please review!**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/n: Man, I haven't written in a long time. To long of a break. But I was getting sicker. I still have a headache maybe twice a week. But now onto the writing!**

**Disclaimer: Im to happy to bag on Stephenie Meyer so I'm just gonna say this: Stephenie meyer can't write shit!**

**Emmett McCarty **I got peanut butter in my hair :D!

**Jane Volturi and Alec Volturi like this.**

**comments**

**Alec Volturi **I bet he got peanut butter all over the curling iron too.

**Emmett McCarty **I did not!

**Jane Volturi **Why do you put an exclaimation after every sentence?

**Violet Ivory** Cause I felt like it, anymore stupid questions?

**Alec Volturi **Hot...

**Emmett McCarty **Thank you.

**Alec Volturi **Not you.

**Aro Volturi **Me?

**JAne Volturi **He means Violet you dumbasses.

**Alec VOlturi **Thank you jane.

**Violet Ivory** HaHa I'm CAPItalizing Any LeTtEr In A wOrD i WaNt ToO. me and my random two-year-old ways.

**Alec VOlturi** So Aro acts older than you? Thats an acomplishment.

**Aro VOlturi **I told you!

**Violet Ivory** I don't always act like a two year old. Jane wanted me to be happier so she made me skip around the castle sing in my arms by plumb. By the way I am never doing that again.

**Felix Volturi **I would like to see that.

**Emily Weber** Hi Violet! Hi other people I don't know.

**Tori Caprenter** Same here.

**Demetri Volturi ** who are you?

**Tori Caprenter **two girls. Any more questions?

**demetri Volturi **You seem mean.

**Tori Carpenter **Naw, I just don't know you peoples, so technically I would seem mean to you.

**Emily Weber **We're Violets cousins.

**Violet Ivory** How did you find this page? Are you friends with Emmett?

**Tori Carpenter **yeah, remeber when we were at the mall and rosalie pushed me over because emmett was telling me how to do the fractions in math,

**Jane VOlturi **Wow.

**A/n: Not the longest chapter. but I hoped you liked it!**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/n: Sorry! I know I haven't updated in a while, my internets down while I'm writing this, so...sorry! Anyways, sorry for the people that wanted to be in the story but I had lready closed it. I will try to check the reviews and see if I can try to get you all in a chapter. **

**Disclaimer: IM NOT STEPHENIE MEYER! FEEL THE WRATH OF FOAMY THE SQUIRREL!**

**Jane volturi** i am never reading a fanfiction again, damn people keep fanisizing about demetri and me.

**alec volturi likes this**

_**comments**_

**demetri volturi **hahahahhaha thank god i have a low tolerance for reading :D.

**felix volturi** Alecs not laughing.

**Alec volturi** i am on the inside...

**Aro Volturi** MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Esme Evenson **there's something wrong with him.

**Carlisle Cullen **I can do shock therepy.

**Emmett McCarty **some one guess what color my boxers are!

**alice cullen **purple!

**Alec volturi** pink

**jake black** baby blue

**Leah Clearwater** um, lavender?

**emmett mccarty **darn it, leah. How did you know that?

**leah clearwater** your wearing them like gay guys do in prison.

**emmett mccarty **yo, its called gangster, dawg.

**Jane volturi** did you know yo means I in spanish?

**MArcus volturi** stop it with the egg head facts jane, no one likes you.

**Jake black **oooooooooo, burned.

**jane volturi** shut up, mongrel!

**leah clearwatet** ooooooo, now jake's burned.

**Carlisle Cullen ** I wanna be yoda for halloween! only, im not short. so it going to be difficult.

**rosalie hale** what the hell? all of you are a nut.

**Aro volturi** does that mean we can eat each other?

**Demetri volturi** no, whats wrong with you?

**Aro volturi **im hungry. o o o can i be a walnut?

**rosalie hale **sure...

**Emmett McCarty** can i be a peanut?

**Carlisle cullen **yes.

**alec volturi** i would be a nut, but the only other ones i know are cashews and pecans and i dont wanna be either.

**Esme evenson** okay!

**A/n: I wanna be a pecan! But rosalie said no :(. Hey! If anyone wants to be friends of face book Im actually under two things, but i like this one, im under Abby Michelle Miller and i hve a really pretty purple picture! Theia might have a like page but I actually have one where you can request me as a friend :D. Bye peoples!**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/n: Yay! My internets back on! My life is complete! Now I have all day to update. and I'm still running low on comedy, but who cares? Oh, and you can still request me on facebook. Aby Michele Miller, and I have a very pretty purple picture XD! I hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: Damn stephenie meyer, she totally stole my idea, I was going to write about the gay sparkly edward cullen. Oh well, always next ti- Damnit! Rick Riordan did the same thing!**

**Edward Cullen **I officially suck at making cool aid.

**Emmett McCarty likes this**

**comments**

**renesmee cullen** i know you do.

**Jake black** it tastes like feet!

**Alec Volturi** your fail makes me laugh.

**felix voluri** on the inside...

**Jane volturi ** *mysterious creepy laughter*

**Alice Brandon **wow, im suprised someone didn't say "And cue the dancing!"

**Carlisle Cullen** and cue the dancing!

**Leah Clearwater **mooooooooooooo XD!

**Seth Clearwater **I like cheese.

**Sam uley** confetti?

**Aro Volturi** Seth stole my words!

**Ciaus volturi** shut up you old hag.

**Marcus volturi** all of you need to go to rehab.

**Jane Volturi** I ahve a feeling an acting coach is soon going to yell good job!

**Alec Volturi** corn!

**Esme Evenson** Keep the randomness going!

**Carlisle Cullen ** I. . . AM. . . A . . . BLOND!

**Rosalie Hale** Esme ate my tutrtle!

**Jasper whitlock **my bathroomis purple! thank you alice...

**Aro Volturi** can I sniff cheese?

**A/n: and the randomness insumes! will aro ever get to sniff cheese? will carlisle always be a blonde? will rosalie ever get another turtle? wait until i get another chapter up and find out!**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/n: Ello peoples! anyone want to find my facebook? Just look up Abby Michelle Miller and I have the pretty purple picture! also me and my friend are having a friends war, the person who gets most friends by halloween gets all the other persons snickers bars! helpp me please?**

**Disclaimer: I am not stephenie meyer, although i am the lead singer of guess what XD! rock on peoples!**

**Aro Volturi **I never got to sniff cheese.

**No one likes this**

**comments**

**Alec volturi** no, but you sniffed about eveything in the kitchen.

**Emmett McCarty **You guys have a kitchen?

**Jane Volturi** No, really! i never noticed! *Rolls eyes at emmett*

**Alec Volturi **clique girlz!

**Edward Masen** what?

**Alec Volturi** you know i kind of should wish you woulve could have maybe been that boy!

**Jane Volturi** I never want to hear alec sing again. ever

**Esme Evenson ** I agree.

**A/n: sorry it was so short! also remember to check facebook! please look me up, im desperate for snickers bars.**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/n: please get on facebook! I need snickers! Come on, ill give you cookies? lol, it sounds like im a rapist now, weird...lol. Under Abby Michelle Miller and I have a pretty purple picture!**

**Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure i'm not a dude.**

**Renesmee Cullen** my eyes are a cool color.

**Jake Black likes this.**

**comments**

**jake black** no there brown. the color of poop.

**Edward Masen** i'll shave your head jacob.

**Jake black** wanna know how i know your gay?

**Edward MAsen** please tell.

**Jake black** because every time you look at me your eyes turn black with lust.

**Edward Masen** more like hatred. wanna know how i know your gay?

**Jake Black **like toy hear it, pup.

**Edward Masen** because you drink out of a toilet bowl.

**Bella Swan** wanna know how i know edwards gay?

**JAke Black** yeah.

**Bella Swan **because he **spends **all this time hanging out with you instead of me.

**Alec Voluri** wanna know how i now edwards mom is gay?

**Jake black** hell yeah.

**alec volturi** because she did his hair this morning.

**edward masen** yo momma so fat she jumped in windows shattered.

**Alec volturi** yo momma so fat when she broke her leg gravy poured out.

**Edward masen** you momma so ugly she looked in the mirror and petrified herself.

**Alec volturi** yo momma so ugly when she talks moose think its a mating call.

**Edward masen **shut the hell up, alec.

**A/n: who do you think won? lol, i think alec did. please review!**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/n:** **Hi! I know I haven't been on in a while, I was doing NaNoWriMo :). But I'm back now! And some new ideas have popped into my head!**

**Jane Volturi** Damn plot bunnies.

**Alec Volturi and 3 others like this.**

**Comments**

**Alice Brandon** there are plot bunnies? I want one!

**Jasper Whitlock** NO! I am _not_ taking care of something so evil.

**Bella Swan** since when are bunnies evil?

**Emmett McCarty** Moo...I'm a goat.

**Rosalie Hale** ewww. I am not married to a goat your moron.

**Alec Volturi** yeah, to bad Emmett is married to godzilla.

**Rosalie Hale** go to hell.

**Demetri Volturi** already there :)

**Aro Volturi **moooooooooo!

**Marcus Volturi** He needs to go to a mental hospital.

**JAne Volturi** so true. And Alec? Your gay.

**Alec Voluri **And you make sex tapes with Sandiago.

**Dora the Explorer **did not need to know that.

**Sandiago Volturi** Alec is a creeper hahahahaha.

**Alec Volturi** your a pedophiler.

**Emmett McCarty** PWNED!

**Caius Volturi** I think its the most appropriate time to say thatAro might be a rapist.

**Alice Brandon** we figured that out years ago, where have you been, under a rock?

**Caius Volturi** Maybe...

**A/n:** **hahahahahahahahaI personally think this is the best chapter yet. lmao!**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/n: Sorry I haven't updated in a while, spending time with my new boyfriend. nico say hi!**

**Nico from corner: greatings earthlings!**

**I tought him so well!**

**. this chapter is based on my brother and alec having an argument!**

**Disclaimer: I am not a sparkly garry stue marry sue writer who doesnt know the difference between vampires and glitter glue. **

**Alec Volturi** I bet i can beat somebody in an argument.

**no one likes this.**

**Comments**

**Josh Ivory** no you can't

**Alec volturi ** yes i can. i can talk to vampires.

**josh ivory** my mom gave me a magic lighter.

**alec volturi **I have an actuall invisibility cloak.

**josh ivory** i have parents.

**alec volturi **i banged your sister.

**josh ivory** ...

**a/n: lol, i got really bored and saw this like thing on facebook that said this, only it was ron and harry :P.**

**Please review!**


	29. Chapter 29

**Ello! I'm trying to update from my iPod since I haven't been updating very often, and it bothers me, and I have a lot more funny ideas! So the chapters might be shorter, but they'll be funnier, one year if middle school with friends like mine and it's impossible not to be funny, XD!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the weird series of veggie vampires that eat glitter glue!**

**Alec Volturi: **Violet hasn't been on in a while…

_**Josh Ivory like this**_

**Comments-**

**Jane Volturi:** I don't see why you like her, she acts like she's two.

**Demetri Volturi:** Her cousin is hot…

**Felix Volturi:** Yes she is.

**Rivverr shadows:** I get on, I just changed my name to my real first name.

**Noah zentner:** PENIS! :)

**Toast buck:** Lol, Noah, stop playing the penis game on other people's profiles!

**Heather Hawkins:** I ownz this game!

**Chris Ogden:** Will yall stop taking about penis'!

**Rivverr shadows:** Your the one with a dirty mind Chris…

**Alec Volturi:** How are they on my page?

**Emma Corum:** Magic of course!

**Montanna fallen:** Gotta get back to Hogwarts!

**Cheyanne Stavn:** Gotta get back to school!

**Alec Volturi:** Gotta get back to Hogwarts!

**Caleb Dassow:** Where every one thinks I'm coooool!

**Jane Volturi:** Lol, who are they?

**Rivverr shadows:** My friends who like Harry potter from school :)!

**Olivia jascheck:** PENIIIIISSSS!

**Marcus Volturi:** Dear god O.o

**A/n: Yes, these are my real friends, and we really do play the penis game. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's where you have to people shouting penis, and whoever screams it the loudest without getting caught wins. It's usually played at school or McDonalds though... Anyways, Olivia, Noah, Heather, GAbby, Me, BAltazar, Sydney and RAce are usually the ones who play it the most :). we're going to have to have a championship or something, XD**


	30. Chapter 30

**A/n: Ello Jello! I haven't updated in so long! I think I should let you know why I haven't been writing as much. I am now writing for the site Wattpad too, on there I'm IpodNamedJellyBean and my story I just posted it called Taste of Poison. **

**Now here's for the other reason, my grandpa just died. I didn't cry at the funeral, but afterwards as I was trying to tell my cousin my grandma's last words to him twenty minutes before he died I started bawling. So I'm hoping that you all can understand. **

**Disclaimer: Glittery dreams is what owns, and I'm just the dark humor. *creepy smile* **

**Marcus Volturi: **Dear Aro, it is not possible for a talking skeleton to bust through the door holding fir in his hand and claim he is a detective. Therefor there is no way you will die. Who the hell let you read Skulduggery Pleasant?

_**Jane Volturi Felix Volturi and 4 others like this.**_

**comments**

**Alec Volturi: **I'm pretty sure I saw caius hand him the book.

**Caius Volturi** God damnit capitalize my name!

**Felix Volturi **Nooooooooooooooooo

**Aro Volturi **It can too! and I swear if you let him get me I will kick you in the nuts!

**Jane Volturi** I thought he didn't have any

**Carlisle Cullen **No that's Caius.

**Alec Volturi ** Haha

**Violet Ivory** Its both of them :D

**Marcus Volturi **Go to hell.

**VIolet Ivory **The devil told me not to come back until I learned some respect.

**Demetri Volturi** NIiiiiice :)

**Esme Cullen **Blue!

**Jasper Cullen **Noooooooo its purple!

**Violet Ivory **White hooooooooouse!

**JAne Volturi** Oh that reminds me, aro is making us go to middle school -.-. I got red house, and im seperated from Alec.

**Alec Volturi **I got white house :D

**A/n: Okay! Alec and Jane are going to school! So i'm going to do a sequel. Can you believe this is over? I will be writing the sequel right away though! it's going to be "totally awesome!" **

**I'm going to add the sorting hat in it and the scarrf of sexual preference! "!" I love dumbledore!**


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